Baby school!

I spent all day Saturday in my childbirth class, aka "Everything you always wanted to know about labor, but were terrified to actually find out" class. Really truly interesting, horrible, fascinating, terrible stuff. From a biological standpoint, there are these competing evolutionary pressures:

• The evolutionary pressure towards babies having larger and larger brains (large brain = smart human = more likely to survive). Larger brains = larger heads.
  
• The counter-pressure coming from the mother, because there's a limit to how large of a head a woman can squeeze out through her pelvis.
• Both of the above put pressure on the baby to be born prematurely (premature = smaller baby), but there's obviously a limit to how early you can pop that kid out.
  

So you end up with a baby who is as premature as it can possibly be and still survive, with a head that is as large as it can possibly be and still have a decent chance of making it through the birth canal. The comfort of the mom does not really figure in the equation, it turns out.

It's all first-time parents in there, and there's this really weird mindset, where everyone intellectually understands that they have a kid, but haven't yet taken on the role of a parent. As a result, you have women asking whether they need to start changing diapers right away, or if the nurses will do it for them (the instructor/doula gently broke the news that since this is indeed your child, you should expect to perform all non-medical procedures on it, starting right after birth). Even my own Darling Wife was concerned that perhaps the doctors would swoop up our kid and secretly circumcise him without our consent, when the reality is that your kid will basically not be out of your sight the entire time you are in the hospital.

There's also this interesting cognitive dissonance going on - the doula states that nearly 90% of the women who give birth in this hospital ultimately choose to have an epidural. 90%. And yet, when asked, nearly every woman in the room did not have an epidural in their birth plan. Frankly, knowing what I know now, I'd have them put an IV in me as soon as I walked into the birth room, so as soon as I hit 4 cms I'd be ready for the anesthesia if I want it. It's great if you want to avoid having an epidural, but given the odds, you are probably going to ask for one when the pain gets unbearable, and when you do, you'll want one as soon as possible so you should plan accordingly. But in the face of all the information to the contrary, everyone still thinks they will have an unmedicated birth - good luck, sister.

It also struck me as I looked around the room that there were a bunch of weird guys in there. You know the type - not necessarily nerds per se, but just kinda odd - they laugh at the wrong times, or make inappropriate comments. One guy was a "fast talker" with a red face, another guy had a dorky mustache, a third guy thought it'd be funny to hide the "mock placenta" from the doula. Just weird stuff. On the way home, I mentioned this to my Darling Wife, and she gave a little nervous laugh that immediately made me suspicious. Narrowing my eyes, I looked over at her and innocently asked, "So, was I one of those weird guys?", and I could see the truth flash in her eyes. Goddammit, I am one of those weird guys! She did say that she thought I was the coolest of the weird guys, which is some comfort, I guess.

On the bright side, I got to try to provide support for the doula as she play-acted her way through a contraction while in active labor. So basically, I'm massaging this complete stranger's hands while she's moaning and gyrating around on the ground, at which point she starts screaming and I have to resist the urge to run right out the door. I mean, I wanted to be anyplace in the world other than in front of this crazy screaming woman.

I'm sure I'll get over that by the time my Darling Wife is in labor, though...